2012-01-13 - 9:34 p.m.

You know what? I've finally realized that I can do it -- on my own -- get the life I want, I mean. And the bizarre thing is that it seems so much more doable and I feel so much more capable WITHOUT Matt than with him. I suppose it's because I always looked to him for approval, because I admired him, and he never took any of my goals and dreams seriously. To him, they were just endearing, idealized adolescent fantasies ... eventually I saw them that way too, and me as an adolescent fantasizer...

And I forgot that I was smart and talented and driven and someone who wins just about every game she plays. I forgot that I was capable of winning anything at all.

I'm remembering now. All A's last semester helped. This semester I'm going to take a five-week CNA course so I can get certified and start working in health care while I'm working on the RN. I'm also going to keep studying Spanish and study to take a CLEP (?) on biology at the end of the semester so I can skip that course and go directly into anatomy and physiology in the fall.

Can I work, go to school, take care of two kids, and study two languages on the side? Hell yes. At Wellesley I worked 20 hours a week, took six classes a semester instead of four, and got straight A's. I know that I will be so much happier working and going to school than I ever would be staying home or just taking a class or two. I WANT to work because I need my own money, dammit; I HATE being dependent on Matt or anyone else... and I WANT to be in school, not just for the end result but also because I love school.

It is easy to get things done when you want to be doing them.

I really hate being at home all day with the kids now. I feel horrible saying it, not to mention that I feel horrible for BEING this way -- but it is just driving me nuts. They're messy and destructive and demanding and constantly bored and this vacation month has passed extremely slowly. My kids and I need to be in school so we can enjoy each other when we're together.

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Insanity results 5/30/06

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Insanity results for 7-11-04 ... gee whiz, I have a new disorder!!

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

insantity results 10/31/03 ... see below for 9/02 and 5/02

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

my most recent insanity results--9/19--see below for 5/01