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2012-01-20 - 1:06 a.m.

Went to New H@ven to pick up Matt from an out-of-town trip and I got to spent some time catching up with my friend Brian, which made me super-happy!! (I've watched too much Ni How Kai Lan)...

After Matt told me he didn't love me anymore and he was in love with someone else and was moving out, almost three years ago, I cut myself off from the entire world and all of my friends -- even on d-land -- for more than two years. I felt so ashamed and worthless that I didn't want to be around anyone who knew me well, anyone who knows my thoughts and my past and what a pathetic, despicable piece of dirt I am. I figured that the people I thought were my friends probably only pretended to be because they felt sorry for me, and they'd be relieved to have me out of their lives.

About five months ago, I asked my two dearest friends to forgive me, and both of them did.

I didn't expect that.

But maybe that's how I know they are true friends, and how lucky I am.

The thing that is unique about Brian -- the connection that binds us together -- is that I can say anything to Brian, and he to me -- ANYTHING -- without worrying what he will think of me. There are a lot of things in my life that I don't want to share with anyone because I figure I will be thought less of or misunderstood. Like, for example, that the kids are a constant reminder of matt and his rejection of me; I look at them and think about his girlfriend and feel angry and resentful instead of lucky and loving...

It's hard for me to even admit that to d-land. But I said it to Brian. He didn't tell me I'm a horrible person to feel that way toward loving, innocent children who did nothing wrong ... that's what most people would say. In other words, "You're a selfish, self-centered jerk to feel that way; if you were a nice person you wouldn't feel that way." I know I am so lucky to have kids and I know they don't deserve my resentment, and I try my utmost not to show it, but I don't know how to change the way I FEEL.

I've wanted to tell someone that -- Matt, Susan, maybe even my mom, or even d-land -- but I was too ashamed. But I told Brian. And now it does not seem like such a horrible thing after all. He says he understands. That's it. And that it must be hard when your kids are a constant reminder of betrayal and heartbreak.

Maybe for right now I have to just ACT like a loving, happy mom should act, show them all the love that they deserve, and believe that these feeling will fade and I'll be able to truly enjoy them instead of just pretending...

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Insanity results 5/30/06

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Moderate
Schizoid:Moderate
Schizotypal:Moderate
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Low
Narcissistic:Moderate
Avoidant:Low
Dependent:High
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Information --

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Insanity results for 9/21/05. Still obsessive-compulsive and borderline ...

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Low
Schizoid:Low
Schizotypal:Moderate
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Moderate
Narcissistic:Moderate
Avoidant:Low
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Information --

Insanity results for 2/7/05. Interesting that I've been taking this bogus psych test since 2001 and it still shows similar results, huh? The bad news is ... I'm more disturbed than I used to be. Moderately so.

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Low
Schizoid:Moderate
Schizotypal:Moderate
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Moderate
Narcissistic:Moderate
Avoidant:Moderate
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Insanity results for 7-11-04 ... gee whiz, I have a new disorder!!

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Low
Schizoid:Low
Schizotypal:Low
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Low
Narcissistic:Low
Avoidant:Low
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

insantity results 10/31/03 ... see below for 9/02 and 5/02

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Low
Schizoid:Moderate
Schizotypal:Low
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Moderate
Histrionic:Moderate
Narcissistic:Low
Avoidant:Low
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

my most recent insanity results--9/19--see below for 5/01
DisorderRating
Paranoid:Low
Schizoid:Moderate
Schizotypal:Low
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Moderate
Histrionic:Low
Narcissistic:Low
Avoidant:Low
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Click Here To Take The Test --

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Moderate
Schizoid:Moderate
Schizotypal:Low
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Moderate
Narcissistic:Low
Avoidant:Low
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Click Here To Take The Test --